UFO ABDUCTS LOCAL PIZZA PARLOR
[ INVESTIGATIVE REPORT #77-PIE ]
TRIANGULAR CRUST DETECTED
The sky over Tony’s Galactic Crust didn't just turn dark; it turned golden brown. At 11:42 PM, a craft described as a "massive, hovering pizza stone with neon pepperoni thrusters" descended upon the parking lot, deploying a tractor beam made of pure, molten mozzarella.
Witnesses report that the abduction was surgical. The UFO ignored the cash register, the delivery scooters, and Tony’s prized collection of vintage oregano shakers. It wanted one thing: The Secret Sauce.
"People think aliens want our DNA. That's a lie. They are after our complex carbohydrates. This specific craft utilized a 5th-dimensional convection oven. By the time the pies reached the upper atmosphere, they weren't just food—they were fuel. The pepperoni placement was likely used to map out the Andromeda Galaxy."
The Local Impact: Garlic Rain
By dawn, residents within a five-mile radius reported a bizarre weather event. A fine, misty rain began to fall, smelling strongly of garlic butter and crushed red pepper. Local car washes were overwhelmed by a sudden surge of "marinara-coated" minivans.
The local High School Knitting Club, which was hosting an outdoor midnight stitch-off, reported that their yarn was "mysteriously kneaded into doughy shapes" by the passing craft's wake. "My sweater is now a calzone," said club president Martha Weave. "And frankly, the fit is much better."
Abduction Survival Guide
- ● STEP 1: Do not hide in the walk-in freezer. Cold dough is easier to abduct.
- ● STEP 2: If caught in the Cheese-Beam, try to remain aerodynamic. Avoid pineapple (it upsets their sensors).
- ● STEP 3: If they ask for a tip, offer them a side of ranch. It buys you 4 seconds of escape time.